The Germ Freak's Guide to Outwitting Colds and Flu

Excerpts

Field Guide to Germ Spreaders

Male Species: The male species germ spreader displays an interesting dichotomy: When he experiences a life-threatening situation, like excruciating chest pains or a flesh-eating bacteria that’s devouring his arm, he will say it was just the sausage he ate or poison ivy from mowing the lawn. However, when he feels the first sniffle or throat scratch of a minor cold, he will act as if he should be LifeFlighted to the best teaching hospital. Whenever the male genus is sick with a cold or flu, you will know it: They do everything loudly, act helpless and usually leave a trail of used, balled-up tissues.

Female Species: The female species is easier to spot in a sense than the male species because they are very in tune with their bodies, and like to take care of symptoms early with a therapeutic shopping trip. Their germ accoutrements may include echinacea tincture, a box of green tea, various Chinese herbs and a copy of
Andrew Weil, M.D.’s Spontaneous Healing; if it’s a very minor illness, the trip might include a new pair of shoes. However, because the female species has the benefit of eye concealer, foundation and lipstick, they often look quite healthy even when highly contagious.

Little Species: Most human specimens under five are either sick or about to be, so consider them perpetual germ spreaders.

Distinctive Sneezes: Look for the multiple sneeze, the stifled sneeze, the wet sneeze, the superwet sneeze, the wasabi-always-does-thisto-me sneeze (not necessarily contagious).

Distinctive Coughs: Listen for the hacking cough, the annoying cough, the seal cough, the goose cough, the-coughing-up-a-lung cough and the ah-hem cough.

Famous Germ Freaks

NFL player Randy Moss won’t touch doorknobs with his bare hands, frequently uses antibacterial soap and won’t let anyone open his refrigerator without washing their hands.

Comedian Howie Mandel built a guesthouse where he could stay when his kids get sick.

P. Diddy reportedly wrote in a catering memo: "Before serving, all food and ice must be inspected for hair, package, paper, etc., and all catering staff must wear hairnets. Room must be stocked with twenty bars of Lever soap for showers (antibacterial) or Zest."

Cameron Diaz opens public doors with her elbows.

Donald Trump detests handshakes. "Shaking hands. It’s a terrible custom. One of the worst. It’s been proven you can get colds and flu and everything else. To me, the only good thing about shaking hands prior to eating is that I tend to eat less."

Drew Barrymore kissed her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame as soon as it was unveiled on February 3, 2004, because she knew she couldn’t kiss it after everybody had stood on it. She says, "I don’t think I’m like a Howard Hughes germophobe or anything like that but I do think about that stuff."

Real-World Maneuver:
Making Party Conversation with Non–Germ Freaks

If you haven’t already encountered the following comments from non–Germ Freaks, you will soon. So you won’t be caught off guard, here are some answers. Memorize them and they’ll fly off your tongue at the next dinner party.

Non–Germ Freak Comment: "Don’t avoid getting sick because being sick gives your immune system a workout."

Answer: Option 1: "You’re an idiot." Option 2: "Are you volunteering to come to my house when my four-year-old triplets are getting a chicken pox power workout?" Option 3: "I’ll remember that comment the next time you call me complaining you have the flu."

Non–Germ Freak Comment: "I read about this hygiene hypothesis that says being too clean is causing increased illness."

Answer: Option 1: "I didn’t think you knew how to read." Option 2: "Using soap properly has never killed anyone, but not using soap has. If you don’t appreciate the luxury of soap, take your next vacation to a third-world country—you’ll realize just how fortunate you are."

Non–Germ Freak Comment: "Children who grow up in homes that are too clean are more likely to have asthma."

Germ Freak Answer: Option 1: "Do you really think a home that has kids in it can ever be too clean?" Option 2: "Then your kids are safe because your house is a real dump." Option 3: "Not true. Dust 30 Germ Freak’s Guide mites are linked to 50 to 80 percent of U.S. asthma cases and cockroaches are a major asthma trigger. You don’t find cockroaches and dust bunnies in superclean homes."

Non–Germ Freak Comment: "Back in my day, we mothers never worried about germs and our babies didn’t get sick."

Germ Freak Answer: Option 1: "Back in your day you also thought it was okay to pile five kids in the back of a station wagon without seatbelts. Thank goodness for progress." Option 2: "Back in your day, most mothers stayed home and kids played with siblings. Today’s kids start some type of ‘school’ before they’re two, where they’ll lay on a mat, pick up Play-Doh or mouth a rattle that fifty other kids have drooled on that morning."  

Germ Freak Essentials

Purses and Briefcases

At Home

Supplements

What You Don’t Need