Uncrustable or Inedible?

I don’t get it. Apparently my head has been in the sand to the latest way to overcomplicate things for mothers. Smucker’s Uncrustables have become all the rage, with sales topping $30 million this past year. In case you haven’t heard either, Uncrustables are poised to become the next generation in peanut butter and jelly sandwiches:

“The easy way to PB&J--just thaw & serve!” Memo to Smucker’s Corporate: Was this a typo? Did you fire your copywriter? The “easy” way to PB&J? Was the “old way” so hard?

“Soft bread gives kids the fresh taste of homemade!” True confession time: PB&J was the ONE meal I actually could make homemade without messing up. Please don’t take that away from me.

“Kids love no crust!" Yes, this is true. Kids love a lot of things—like cotton candy for breakfast and eating only white food for three days straight, but this doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. “No crust” was obviously the brainchild of someone who HAS no child: Give kids yet another reason to denounce crust while adding bad grammar to the whining process: “But, Mommy, I want my pizza uncrus-tit-able!”

For those who might be more open to change than I am, here are the directions:

KEEP FROZEN UNTIL READY TO USE.

THAW 8-10 HOURS (So now I have to “plan” to eat an impromptu snack, much like I intend to—but always mistime— the thawing of the $50-a-pound Whole Foods wild salmon? Isn’t PB&J the last-ditch terrible-mother offering you throw in the kids’ lunchbox when you forgot to buy something better? Now you have to actually PLAN to serve something inadequate?!)

And the best part, the ingredients:

BREAD: ENRICHED UNBLEACHED FLOUR (WHEAT FLOUR, MALTED BARLEY FLOUR, NIACIN, REDUCED IRON, THIAMIN MONONITRATE, RIBOFLAVIN, FOLIC ACID), WATER, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, YEAST, PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED SOYBEAN OIL AND/OR SOYBEAN OIL (AKA trans fat!), CONTAINS 2% OR LESS OF: WHEAT GLUTEN, SALT, DOUGH CONDITIONERS (MAY CONTAIN ONE OR MORE OF: DIACETYL TARTARIC ACID ESTERS OF MONO AND DIGLYCERIDES (Just like Mom used to make!) (DATEM), MONO AND DIGLYCERIDES, ETHOXYLATED MONO AND DIGLYCERIDES, SODIUM STEAROYL LACTYLATE, CALCIUM PEROXIDE, ASCORBIC ACID, AZODICARBONAMIDE, L-CYSTEINE), YEAST NUTRIENTS (MAY CONTAIN ONE OR MORE OF: ONOCALCIUM PHOSPHATE, CALCIUM SULFATE, AMMONIUM SULFATE), CALCIUM PROPIONATE (MAINTAIN FRESHNESS), CORNSTARCH, ENZYMES (WITH WHEAT). PEANUT BUTTER: SELECT ROASTED PEANUTS (Phew, glad to see peanut butter somewhere!), DEXTROSE, VEGETABLE MONOGLYCERIDES (FROM PALM OIL), SALT. GRAPE JELLY: GRAPE JUICE, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, CORN SYRUP, PECTIN, CITRIC ACID, POTASSIUM SORBATE ADDED AS A PRESERVATIVE

Now, if we could only pull up a chair and drink some C-rations of powdered milk we’d be all set. Oh yes, that’s right, we’d be all set in eight to ten hours.

In case you’re looking for a healthier alternative to breakfast, or even as a snack, here’s a great recipe adapted from The Gold Coast Cure book. You can prepare it ahead of time, refrigerate it and serve it for up to three days. If you prepare it the night before, just reheat in the microwave for about a minute. See The Gold Coast Cure at www.amazon.com or www.goldcoastcure.com.

No-Fuss Baked Banana Toast Casserole
Serves 4

Canola oil cooking spray
4 pieces whole-grain bread (like Alvarado Street Bakery California Style Complete Protein Bread)
2 bananas, thinly sliced into rounds
Cinnamon, to taste
¼ cup plus 1 tablespoon ground flaxseeds
¾ cup soymilk or low-fat milk
2 eggs plus 1 egg white
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
¼ cup nut butter of choice

1. Preheat the oven to 425. Spray the bottom and sides of an 8-x-8 inch square baking dish with canola oil spray.
2. Tear bread into bite-size pieces and loosely arrange in two layers on the bottom of the dish. Lay banana slices on top of the bread and season with the cinnamon. Sprinkle the flaxseeds on top.
3. In a medium bowl, mix the milk, eggs, egg white, and vanilla and mix well. Pour the mixture evenly over the bananas and bread.
4. Bake for 20 minutes. Allow it to cool for 10 minutes before serving. Spread the nut butter over the top to serve or serve with a little pure maple syrup.

For more recipes like this one, check out The Gold Coast Cure. www.goldcoastcure.com.

Labels: no-baked French toast, Uncrustables, whole-foods breakfast